GAH!!!

December 6, 2008 at 2:04 pm (entertainment)

What is UP with all these damn “Over the Rainbow” remixes and their FUCKING WRONG LYRICS???

I swear to God I am going to punch someone…

IN THE EYE

WITH A RUSTY SPOON

I love that sweet ukelele version of the song, but I HATE that they don’t sing the DAMN RIGHT LYRICS!!!!

Like it’s so hard??? Have you never seen The Wizard of Oz??? Are you TOO STUPID TO REMEMBER THE LYRICS TO ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS SONGS IN ALL OF ETERNITY???

GODDAMMIT!!!

HERE ARE THE DAMN LYRICS. ANYONE YOU HEAR SINGING IT DIFFERENTLY IS WRONG AND SHOULD BE STABBED IN THE NECK WITH A PENCIL (or pen, whichever you have handy).

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There’s a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can’t I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can’t I?

WTF IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT??? SING THE RIGHT LYRICS ASSHOLES!!!!

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111

You know, the only thing that got me going to look for those ukelele covers was the Jason Mraz song “I’m Yours,” which begins much the same way, and always reminds me of the song. Then I started listening to all the covers and thinking “Why the fuck won’t they sing the right lyrics? Did they just record it like that, forget the right lyrics, and were just too lazy to change it???”

And DON’T tell me that Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s version is “charming,” because then I really will come to your house and stab you in the eye with a rusty spoon. It’s wrong. It’s not a true cover. It’s some guy singing along to a ukelele the WRONG lyrics to two songs that he has heard on the radio or on TV a few times. It pisses me off. It would have been charming if he had used the correct lyrics, but as it is, infuriating.

GAH

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Christmas Meme

November 29, 2008 at 8:11 pm (fun)

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

Wrapping paper. I love to wrap presents. Unfortunately, I suck at it.

2. Real tree or Artificial?

Artificial! I have two cats and a dog. Who wants a real tree? Jesus do you know what cats do to REAL trees???

3. When do you put up the tree?

Whenever I have time. This year I will not be putting up a tree, though, due to soon-to-be-ex-husband-assholery.

4. When do you take the tree down?

A few days after New Year’s…whenever I have time.

5. Do you like eggnog?

Erm…sortof….I think the idea of drinking raw eggs is gross, but I like the rest of the ingredients (rum).

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

One Christmas my mom gave me an easel, and it was awesome.

7. Hardest person to buy for?

Well, it WAS my Grandparents, before they died, because they had EVERYTHING. But for now, I would say it is my mom, because I never know what she wants, and because she tells me not to get her anything, which means she never gives me any idea of what she likes, just in case I decide to go out and get her something…

8. Easiest person to buy for?

Myself, of course. Oh you meant someone else…well it WAS my husband, before he became a completely different person, so now I would say it is my stepkids (they are still my stepkids for now), because I know that both of them like clothes, and one of them likes World of Warcraft. :)

9. Do you have a Nativity scene?

No, but I want to get one in honor of my Grandma, who put at least four up every year.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?

I have never sent out Christmas cards, though I have always wanted to. Maybe I will do so next year, since I will have my own space to do so in.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

Last year a week before Christmas, my Grandma died.

This year, Christmas isn’t over yet. Who knows? My STBX may give me an even worse gift. Lord knows he is capable of it.

12. Favorite Christmas Movies?

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, A Christmas Story, It’s A Wonderful Life, any of the “A Christmas Carol” adaptations (A Muppet Christmas Carol, Scrooged, etc.), and of course, a recent favorite, ELF!!

13.When do you start shopping for Christmas?

Usually in the beginning of November, after they put away the Halloween decorations and start putting out the Christmas stuff, and I’m like “OMG IT’S CHRISTMAS ALREADY?? HUZZAH!”

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

No, but I have been given something that I did not want and instead gave it to someone else (but not as a Christmas present, just as a “Hey I got this for Christmas but I don’t like it–want it?” thing)

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Mom’s Christmas cookies, ham, pie, candy canes… Grandma used to make loads and loads of Christmas candy, but alas, her fudge is no more.

I think a better list would be least favorite things to eat at Christmas.

16. Lights on the tree?

Yes please.

17. Favorite Christmas song?

ALL OF THEM.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

I always travel at Christmas.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s?

Is there someone who can’t? I mean, really?

20.  What’s on top of the tree?

I have no tree this year. Fuck off.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

At my parent’s house, Christmas Eve. At my relatives’ house, Christmas Day.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?

Traffic. I hate driving around the stupid people.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?

Um…Christmas?

24.Favorite for Christmas dinner?

Ham, potatoes, gravy, broccoli or asparagus, relish tray, nummy rolls, etc. Oh, and PIE PIE PIE!!!

25.Who is your favorite Christmas Character?

Yukon Cornelius.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?

A divorce. Got that in your bag, Santa?

Want something more realistic? How about a million dollars?

Please feel free to do this meme on your own blog!

2 Comments

Brain vs. Mouth

November 16, 2008 at 3:00 pm (life)

What I said vs. What I wanted to say…

I visited my parents today. They just got back from a nice 4-day trip. How wonderful for them.

———————-

Parental Unit: I put some more boxes in your car for you.

Me: Thank you.

What I wanted to say: Gee, why don’t you just BRING THEM TO MY HOUSE AND HELP ME PACK YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!

———————

Parental Unit: I need to get rid of these newspapers.

Me: I’ll take them.

Parental Unit: Do you still need more newspapers to pack with?

Me: Yes.

What I wanted to say: Yes, I do need more newspapers. A fact that you WOULD HAVE KNOWN IF YOU WERE HELPING ME PACK AT ALL YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!

——————–

Parental Unit: We asked a friend of ours if you could stay with them for a little while, but they said no.

Me: They probably don’t want a giant dog in their house, same as you.

Parental Unit: But they already have a dog. I don’t know what the problem would be.

Me: Yeah…

What I wanted to say: Yeah, what IS the problem with my giant dog? Does he bite? NO. Does he piss all over the house? NO. Does he bark all day? NO. He is a GOOD DOG. SO WHAT’S THE DAMN PROBLEM, YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!

——————–

Good thing my mouth works slower than my brain, or they’d have kicked me out right then and there.

Can’t wait to move into my aunt’s house.

One of the things that I had considered was if my parents were willing to purchase a house and have me make the mortgage payments on it. But then I was like NO EFFING WAY!

Every time they have ever helped me with anything, it has always come with some sort of condition, or caveat. Well, we’ll help you with this, but only if you do this. Want to sell your Jeep? Sure, you can put it in our driveway with a For Sale sign on it, but only if you talk to your in-laws about how they are not making the insurance payments on their car (that we are still paying for).

Want to live in a house that we financed? Well sure, but only if you…

I can’t even imagine what conditions they would put on something like that…

Only if you…

go to church every Sunday

stay in school

get a full-time job

pay all your bills on time

vacuum your floors every day

wipe your ass after you go poo

Yeah, they give me moronic conditions like that sometimes.

So living in a house that my aunt and uncle own would be more attractive either way, because they would put no conditions on my living there. Why not? BECAUSE THEY WOULDN’T FEEL LIKE THEY HAD TO!!!!!! They would KNOW that I would pay the rent every month, and keep the house clean, and take care of things!! They wouldn’t have to make it a caveat of the lease!

Where have my parents gone?

It seems like all they’re good for now is empty boxes, newspapers, and the occasional mended pair of pants.

Sheesh.

1 Comment

The Barrel

November 13, 2008 at 4:07 pm (life)

So my soon-to-be-ex has apparently been talking to the mortgage company about reorganizing our loan and they denied our request. He is now talking to his friend who is in law school about declaring chapter 7 bankruptcy.

Chapter 7!!!!!! Holy fuck!!

The moment I think I’m at the bottom of the barrel, something WORSE happens! Years of shitty credit? NO THANK YOU!

Who knew the barrel was so deep?

When will I find the bottom, and what’s down there? Sexy men with lots of money, I hope.

Or a tireless massage therapist, that would be good too. Especially if there are footrubs included in said massage. Boy, could I ever go for a good rubdown.

And you know what I will miss most? My car.

2 Comments

I’m All over the Place

November 10, 2008 at 9:04 am (family, life)

The worst thing about going through this divorce isn’t the divorce itself. For Christ’s sake, my husband hasn’t even filed yet. I’m not even IN it. I already KNOW HE’S AN ASSHOLE.

The worst part is watching my parents do nothing. My mother, specifically.

She has been supportive with words, and phone calls (sometimes), etc. But she hasn’t really DONE anything. You’d think that if your ONLY child was going through something horrible like this, and had nowhere to go after her husband tells her that he doesn’t want to be married to her any more, that you’d want to help her, maybe help her pack or something like that…

She’s given me boxes, and when I go visit her, she makes me dinner.

BUT THAT’S IT.

I’ve packed ALL MY SHIT MYSELF SO FAR. WHAT THE FUCK??!!

It’s like I have no parents.

Sure, they send me a token email every so often with their concerns, and a suggestion or two, but other than that (and handing me money every so often), NOTHING.

I told my Aunt Mary this (I’m at her house again this weekend), and she said she doesn’t understand that. She said that if it were her daughter, she would have moved her out into an apartment or SOMEWHERE that was OUT of that environment RIGHT AWAY. It really is unpleasant to live at that house.

Well that would be nice. Why hasn’t my mother DONE anything? She hasn’t even helped me pack!!

She took me out to dinner the other night and told me how frustrated she was that I couldn’t come live with her and her husband. Sure, I could come by myself. They told me I could come live with them if I didn’t bring Sumo. How could I not bring Sumo, I said???

Unlike my soon-to-be-ex-husband, I don’t lightly make commitments and then just abandon them. I made a commitment to that dog, to take care of him, and he has taken care of me for FOUR YEARS. How could I just leave him?

I can’t. And because of that, my stepdad doesn’t want me at his house.

So my mom cries about it, and says she doesn’t want me to move away (my aunt offered me a house here in Iowa), that she’s sorry, and I kindof feel bad for her, but really I’m just seething inside, wondering where MY mother went. When did she get like this? And how did I not notice it over the years? I sure notice it now.

When my husband was in Iraq, she came over every Thursday and helped me with stuff. Once he came home, she stopped, and for the next three years, she came over maybe a half-dozen times a year, didn’t really pay much attention to what was going on. I went to her house all the time.

So really the only time she saw me on a regular basis was when I went to HER house.

So why is she so mad that I want to move to Iowa? Oh, that’s right, because I won’t be coming to HER house any more. She’ll actually have to make an effort to come see me. I told her the other night that what I need right now is a place to LIVE. You know, the hierarchy of needs–food, housing, clothing–HOUSING is part of that! When someone offers me a place to live, I’M GOING TO ACCEPT IT, YOU JERK. No matter where it is!

Also, I would totally love to live closer to the bulk of my family. I love my aunts and uncles, and my cousins. My cousin Jennifer just found out that she’s prego with her third child. I told her that I would move to her city and be her nanny. That would be awesome. Not for my mom, though. Maybe she should have thought of that before she left her daughter to her own devices during the most horrible time of her life…

Dear Baby Jesus, What the Fuck is wrong with my parents? Are they going nutty-foo-foo? Check yes or no. Thanks. Me.

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