What I said vs. What I wanted to say…
I visited my parents today. They just got back from a nice 4-day trip. How wonderful for them.
Parental Unit: I put some more boxes in your car for you.
Me: Thank you.
What I wanted to say: Gee, why don’t you just BRING THEM TO MY HOUSE AND HELP ME PACK YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!
Parental Unit: I need to get rid of these newspapers.
Me: I’ll take them.
Parental Unit: Do you still need more newspapers to pack with?
What I wanted to say: Yes, I do need more newspapers. A fact that you WOULD HAVE KNOWN IF YOU WERE HELPING ME PACK AT ALL YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!
Parental Unit: We asked a friend of ours if you could stay with them for a little while, but they said no.
Me: They probably don’t want a giant dog in their house, same as you.
Parental Unit: But they already have a dog. I don’t know what the problem would be.
What I wanted to say: Yeah, what IS the problem with my giant dog? Does he bite? NO. Does he piss all over the house? NO. Does he bark all day? NO. He is a GOOD DOG. SO WHAT’S THE DAMN PROBLEM, YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!
Good thing my mouth works slower than my brain, or they’d have kicked me out right then and there.
Can’t wait to move into my aunt’s house.
One of the things that I had considered was if my parents were willing to purchase a house and have me make the mortgage payments on it. But then I was like NO EFFING WAY!
Every time they have ever helped me with anything, it has always come with some sort of condition, or caveat. Well, we’ll help you with this, but only if you do this. Want to sell your Jeep? Sure, you can put it in our driveway with a For Sale sign on it, but only if you talk to your in-laws about how they are not making the insurance payments on their car (that we are still paying for).
Want to live in a house that we financed? Well sure, but only if you…
I can’t even imagine what conditions they would put on something like that…
Only if you…
go to church every Sunday
stay in school
get a full-time job
pay all your bills on time
vacuum your floors every day
wipe your ass after you go poo
Yeah, they give me moronic conditions like that sometimes.
So living in a house that my aunt and uncle own would be more attractive either way, because they would put no conditions on my living there. Why not? BECAUSE THEY WOULDN’T FEEL LIKE THEY HAD TO!!!!!! They would KNOW that I would pay the rent every month, and keep the house clean, and take care of things!! They wouldn’t have to make it a caveat of the lease!
Where have my parents gone?
It seems like all they’re good for now is empty boxes, newspapers, and the occasional mended pair of pants.