I’ve had that song in my head for the past day. Yeah, I know, it’s a goofy country song, but it’s almost amusing to sing to myself. Lighthearted, if you will, in a time where my heart needs all the lightness it can get.
So I finally got my husband to admit that he doesn’t want to be married to me any more. I’m not sure why he couldn’t tell me in the first place…
As you can see from my past few posts, things have been strained, and getting worse by the day. I had been feeling trapped, smothered, and I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea what was going on in my house, what was going on with my husband, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
So we talked, and we talked some more, and we talked some more, and I tried to remind him of why he and I got married in the first place, tried to be gentle with him, and give him the space he needed to work out whatever it was that he needed to work out, but to no avail. He just distanced himself more and more from the relationship, and I just felt more and more abandoned and alone.
So yesterday (Tuesday) we were in the car on the way home from the grocery store, and he told me he was going somewhere that afternoon. I asked him what time, and he told me, then added, “Why, did you have something you wanted to do?”
I asked him why he would ask me something like that, if he didn’t really care, and he said he didn’t know. Out of habit maybe? We talked more at home, he starts saying stuff like “I don’t like being this way, but I don’t have any desire to change myself,” “I don’t like hurting you, but I want to be honest with you,” and the worst one: “I don’t think I can be faithful to you for the rest of my life.”
Who says that to their wife, really?
I mean, Jesus Christ!
At first I was really upset, but then I realized that I’d rather he told me now than find out in ten years that he’s been sleeping with some other woman…
People who actually care about their marriage say things like “Something is wrong. Let’s work on it together to make things better.”
My husband? He says stuff like “Something is wrong, but I don’t care enough to do anything about it.”
Sounds like a winner, huh.
He has his orders to deploy to Afghanistan in 2009, and I offered to stay here and take care of the house, and pay off our mutual debt while he is gone. I will also pack my stuff, and be out by the time he returns in 2010. By then I will be settled in a place of my own, and we can make a clean break. Right now there are too many shared obligations for us to just part ways.
You never plan for this sort of thing when you get married. Unless you’re Donald Trump. I always thought I would get married one time in my life–barring untimely death–and we would grow old together. You know, sit in rocking chairs on the front porch and all that…
But as it turns out, that is not to be.
I am almost relieved. It is like that great weight of uncertainty has been lifted from my shoulders, and I am free to go on with my life, knowing now what I must do. I have a teaching job to throw myself into, and I am taking Master’s level courses that require quite a bit of work and preparation. I no longer have to worry when or if my husband is going to leave me, or what is going to happen with my marriage.
And of course, I will restart my World of Warcraft subscription, since I’ll have a bit more free time…
Wish me luck.