Christmas Meme November 29, 2008

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

Wrapping paper. I love to wrap presents. Unfortunately, I suck at it.

2. Real tree or Artificial?

Artificial! I have two cats and a dog. Who wants a real tree? Jesus do you know what cats do to REAL trees???

3. When do you put up the tree?

Whenever I have time. This year I will not be putting up a tree, though, due to soon-to-be-ex-husband-assholery.

4. When do you take the tree down?

A few days after New Year’s…whenever I have time.

5. Do you like eggnog?

Erm…sortof….I think the idea of drinking raw eggs is gross, but I like the rest of the ingredients (rum).

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

One Christmas my mom gave me an easel, and it was awesome.

7. Hardest person to buy for?

Well, it WAS my Grandparents, before they died, because they had EVERYTHING. But for now, I would say it is my mom, because I never know what she wants, and because she tells me not to get her anything, which means she never gives me any idea of what she likes, just in case I decide to go out and get her something…

8. Easiest person to buy for?

Myself, of course. Oh you meant someone else…well it WAS my husband, before he became a completely different person, so now I would say it is my stepkids (they are still my stepkids for now), because I know that both of them like clothes, and one of them likes World of Warcraft. :)

9. Do you have a Nativity scene?

No, but I want to get one in honor of my Grandma, who put at least four up every year.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?

I have never sent out Christmas cards, though I have always wanted to. Maybe I will do so next year, since I will have my own space to do so in.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

Last year a week before Christmas, my Grandma died.

This year, Christmas isn’t over yet. Who knows? My STBX may give me an even worse gift. Lord knows he is capable of it.

12. Favorite Christmas Movies?

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, A Christmas Story, It’s A Wonderful Life, any of the “A Christmas Carol” adaptations (A Muppet Christmas Carol, Scrooged, etc.), and of course, a recent favorite, ELF!!

13.When do you start shopping for Christmas?

Usually in the beginning of November, after they put away the Halloween decorations and start putting out the Christmas stuff, and I’m like “OMG IT’S CHRISTMAS ALREADY?? HUZZAH!”

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

No, but I have been given something that I did not want and instead gave it to someone else (but not as a Christmas present, just as a “Hey I got this for Christmas but I don’t like it–want it?” thing)

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Mom’s Christmas cookies, ham, pie, candy canes… Grandma used to make loads and loads of Christmas candy, but alas, her fudge is no more.

I think a better list would be least favorite things to eat at Christmas.

16. Lights on the tree?

Yes please.

17. Favorite Christmas song?

ALL OF THEM.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

I always travel at Christmas.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s?

Is there someone who can’t? I mean, really?

20.  What’s on top of the tree?

I have no tree this year. Fuck off.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

At my parent’s house, Christmas Eve. At my relatives’ house, Christmas Day.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?

Traffic. I hate driving around the stupid people.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?

Um…Christmas?

24.Favorite for Christmas dinner?

Ham, potatoes, gravy, broccoli or asparagus, relish tray, nummy rolls, etc. Oh, and PIE PIE PIE!!!

25.Who is your favorite Christmas Character?

Yukon Cornelius.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?

A divorce. Got that in your bag, Santa?

Want something more realistic? How about a million dollars?

Please feel free to do this meme on your own blog!

Brain vs. Mouth November 16, 2008

What I said vs. What I wanted to say…

I visited my parents today. They just got back from a nice 4-day trip. How wonderful for them.

———————-

Parental Unit: I put some more boxes in your car for you.

Me: Thank you.

What I wanted to say: Gee, why don’t you just BRING THEM TO MY HOUSE AND HELP ME PACK YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!

———————

Parental Unit: I need to get rid of these newspapers.

Me: I’ll take them.

Parental Unit: Do you still need more newspapers to pack with?

Me: Yes.

What I wanted to say: Yes, I do need more newspapers. A fact that you WOULD HAVE KNOWN IF YOU WERE HELPING ME PACK AT ALL YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!

——————–

Parental Unit: We asked a friend of ours if you could stay with them for a little while, but they said no.

Me: They probably don’t want a giant dog in their house, same as you.

Parental Unit: But they already have a dog. I don’t know what the problem would be.

Me: Yeah…

What I wanted to say: Yeah, what IS the problem with my giant dog? Does he bite? NO. Does he piss all over the house? NO. Does he bark all day? NO. He is a GOOD DOG. SO WHAT’S THE DAMN PROBLEM, YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!

——————–

Good thing my mouth works slower than my brain, or they’d have kicked me out right then and there.

Can’t wait to move into my aunt’s house.

One of the things that I had considered was if my parents were willing to purchase a house and have me make the mortgage payments on it. But then I was like NO EFFING WAY!

Every time they have ever helped me with anything, it has always come with some sort of condition, or caveat. Well, we’ll help you with this, but only if you do this. Want to sell your Jeep? Sure, you can put it in our driveway with a For Sale sign on it, but only if you talk to your in-laws about how they are not making the insurance payments on their car (that we are still paying for).

Want to live in a house that we financed? Well sure, but only if you…

I can’t even imagine what conditions they would put on something like that…

Only if you…

go to church every Sunday

stay in school

get a full-time job

pay all your bills on time

vacuum your floors every day

wipe your ass after you go poo

Yeah, they give me moronic conditions like that sometimes.

So living in a house that my aunt and uncle own would be more attractive either way, because they would put no conditions on my living there. Why not? BECAUSE THEY WOULDN’T FEEL LIKE THEY HAD TO!!!!!! They would KNOW that I would pay the rent every month, and keep the house clean, and take care of things!! They wouldn’t have to make it a caveat of the lease!

Where have my parents gone?

It seems like all they’re good for now is empty boxes, newspapers, and the occasional mended pair of pants.

Sheesh.

The Barrel November 13, 2008

So my soon-to-be-ex has apparently been talking to the mortgage company about reorganizing our loan and they denied our request. He is now talking to his friend who is in law school about declaring chapter 7 bankruptcy.

Chapter 7!!!!!! Holy fuck!!

The moment I think I’m at the bottom of the barrel, something WORSE happens! Years of shitty credit? NO THANK YOU!

Who knew the barrel was so deep?

When will I find the bottom, and what’s down there? Sexy men with lots of money, I hope.

Or a tireless massage therapist, that would be good too. Especially if there are footrubs included in said massage. Boy, could I ever go for a good rubdown.

And you know what I will miss most? My car.

I’m All over the Place November 10, 2008

The worst thing about going through this divorce isn’t the divorce itself. For Christ’s sake, my husband hasn’t even filed yet. I’m not even IN it. I already KNOW HE’S AN ASSHOLE.

The worst part is watching my parents do nothing. My mother, specifically.

She has been supportive with words, and phone calls (sometimes), etc. But she hasn’t really DONE anything. You’d think that if your ONLY child was going through something horrible like this, and had nowhere to go after her husband tells her that he doesn’t want to be married to her any more, that you’d want to help her, maybe help her pack or something like that…

She’s given me boxes, and when I go visit her, she makes me dinner.

BUT THAT’S IT.

I’ve packed ALL MY SHIT MYSELF SO FAR. WHAT THE FUCK??!!

It’s like I have no parents.

Sure, they send me a token email every so often with their concerns, and a suggestion or two, but other than that (and handing me money every so often), NOTHING.

I told my Aunt Mary this (I’m at her house again this weekend), and she said she doesn’t understand that. She said that if it were her daughter, she would have moved her out into an apartment or SOMEWHERE that was OUT of that environment RIGHT AWAY. It really is unpleasant to live at that house.

Well that would be nice. Why hasn’t my mother DONE anything? She hasn’t even helped me pack!!

She took me out to dinner the other night and told me how frustrated she was that I couldn’t come live with her and her husband. Sure, I could come by myself. They told me I could come live with them if I didn’t bring Sumo. How could I not bring Sumo, I said???

Unlike my soon-to-be-ex-husband, I don’t lightly make commitments and then just abandon them. I made a commitment to that dog, to take care of him, and he has taken care of me for FOUR YEARS. How could I just leave him?

I can’t. And because of that, my stepdad doesn’t want me at his house.

So my mom cries about it, and says she doesn’t want me to move away (my aunt offered me a house here in Iowa), that she’s sorry, and I kindof feel bad for her, but really I’m just seething inside, wondering where MY mother went. When did she get like this? And how did I not notice it over the years? I sure notice it now.

When my husband was in Iraq, she came over every Thursday and helped me with stuff. Once he came home, she stopped, and for the next three years, she came over maybe a half-dozen times a year, didn’t really pay much attention to what was going on. I went to her house all the time.

So really the only time she saw me on a regular basis was when I went to HER house.

So why is she so mad that I want to move to Iowa? Oh, that’s right, because I won’t be coming to HER house any more. She’ll actually have to make an effort to come see me. I told her the other night that what I need right now is a place to LIVE. You know, the hierarchy of needs–food, housing, clothing–HOUSING is part of that! When someone offers me a place to live, I’M GOING TO ACCEPT IT, YOU JERK. No matter where it is!

Also, I would totally love to live closer to the bulk of my family. I love my aunts and uncles, and my cousins. My cousin Jennifer just found out that she’s prego with her third child. I told her that I would move to her city and be her nanny. That would be awesome. Not for my mom, though. Maybe she should have thought of that before she left her daughter to her own devices during the most horrible time of her life…

Dear Baby Jesus, What the Fuck is wrong with my parents? Are they going nutty-foo-foo? Check yes or no. Thanks. Me.

My Awesome Weekend October 16, 2008

So I turned thirty on Sunday.

I feel so old. THIRTY. I’ve crossed over into OLD PEOPLE TERRITORY.

Not really. I’m just painfully aware of the fact that I am growing older.

I didn’t feel like spending my birthday weekend at home with an apathetic husband, so I took a day off and went to my aunt and uncle’s house. They live in Iowa, where I’m originally from. I love it there. I love Iowa. I’m not really sure why, other than I love the slow pace, I love the farms, I love the simplicity. I’m not a city girl at all. I like the country.

So after grad school on Saturday, I went to dinner with a friend, did some shopping, and then made the 4-5 hour drive to Cascade, Iowa. I arrived there at about 11:00 p.m., and my aunt was waiting for me. My cousin Jennifer had brought her kids over so that she and her husband could do some “spouse-y” stuff (gee, I wouldn’t know what that is any more), and they were snoozing on the living room floor. I usually sleep on the couch, so I put on my PJs and settled in. My aunt and I talked for about two hours.

She revealed to me that she isn’t worried about me, even though I’m going through a horrible situation. I found that to be oddly refreshing, considering my own mother had expressed a fear that she would stop by sometime to find me curled up in a corner, rocking back and forth, humming to myself.

Thanks a lot, mom.

Anyways, I didn’t get much sleep, because the kiddos woke up early, and of course that meant that I had to be up early. It was good to see my family. They are a good source of support in my life.

The first thing my cousin Faith said to me was “HAPPY BIRTHDAY,” and of course I had to return the favor, since she and I share the day. We waited for Jennifer and her husband to arrive, and headed out to a Japanese steakhouse in Dubuque. It was really fun! They had birthday hats for Faith and I, and the food was excellent. I had the shrimp and ribeye, but they also served white rice, vegetables, mushroom and seaweed soup, and a wonderful dessert of fried bananas with melted honey and butter drizzled all over them. We ordered sushi (which I decided I DO NOT like), and we all enjoyed ourselves. They also gave Faith and I some grilled pineapple with ice cream. YUM.

Afterwards, we stopped at the mall, and then headed home.

On Monday, I had an appointment scheduled at a salon in town. I requested an eyebrow shaping, and a bikini wax. Bikini wax? Whyever would you want one of those? I can hear you thinking it now.

I’ve always wanted one. I was terrified, though, and I informed the woman who was to wax me. She was very gentle, and it really was a very painless experience.

Any of you who have a tattoo – getting the tattoo is like 100x more painful than a bikini wax.

Am considering other forms of vanity. Whole leg wax. Brazilian. Arm wax. Underarm wax… So many choices!! So many possibilities. Just like my life now.

My aunt and uncle own several properties in Cascade, and they told me that if I was interested, I was more than welcome to move into one of their rental properties when the divorce is final. I verified with my grad school that I could finish the rest of the licensure program online, and they were pretty confident. The only problem is finding me a student teaching assignment on such short notice.

Fortunately for me, my aunt’s co-worker is married to one of the bigwigs in the local school system.

Awesome.

So here’s what I figure…

If I can be divorced by the end of the year, I can start the online portion of my coursework in January, and hopefully will have a student teaching assignment by then. If that is all together by then, I can get out of here and move to Iowa. My aunt wasn’t sure they’d have a place for me by January, but there are all sorts of rental properties there, so it wouldn’t be a problem to put me somewhere temporarily until their house is available.

Out by JANUARY. A happy, happy thought. Blissful, even.

Yes, I know I keep changing my mind, saying I’m going to leave, saying I’m going to stay while my husband is overseas…but really…I need to leave. Whether or not I feel like I can handle it is beside the point. I think it is unhealthy for me to be here.

And to be honest, I don’t think my soon-to-be-ex-husband gives a shit what I do any more.