Me: (pulling car up to valet pickup area)
Angry Jerk: Here. (hands me valet ticket and NO tip)
Me: Hello there! I cracked your window on the way up here, just FYI.
Angry Jerk: Well it took you long enough! We’ve been waiting for half an hour!
Me: I’m sorry you had to wait so long, sir. I hope you have a good night.
Angry Jerk: Well that doesn’t do me any good NOW, does it??? (drives away)
What I was thinking:
“Sir, there is no way in HELL you were waiting for your car for half an hour. Even if we hired a bunch of mentally handicapped paraplegic midgets to drive your car up here, it wouldn’t take half an hour. You are an idiot, with no sense of time.”
I always want to bust out the surveillance cameras to show these people how stupid they are, but I know that it would be futile, since people who go to a casino and lose hundreds/thousands of dollars are either extremely stupid, or extremely rich, and the rich people aren’t angry when they come out.
Also heard that same night over the intercom system that we use:
Impatient Woman: (apparently had been standing at the front desk with her valet ticket while the desk valet was outside directing traffic for a whole THIRTY SECONDS, so she decided to go behind the desk and use our intercom system) Hello? Can someone please come up here and take my ticket so that I can get my car?
My Supervisor: (over intercom:) Someone will be up there shortly, ma’am. Please be patient. (to me:) Go get that lady’s car, take as long as you want.
Me: Well, there IS a 15-mph speed limit here. I’ll try to keep the average down. (strolls out to car, drives 5 mph up to valet dropoff, innocently smiles at impatient woman while taking her ticket and tip and closing her door)
What I was thinking:
Lady, how long have you been here tonight? Six, seven, TEN hours? Do you REALLY think waiting another FIVE minutes to get your car will make any difference in the great scheme of things? THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T PUT CLOCKS IN CASINOS. So stupid people like you will lose track of time. If you can’t tell how long you’ve been in the casino, how can you tell how long you’ve been standing at the desk waiting to give the desk valet your ticket???”
People, don’t fuck with your valet. It’ll only make life miserable for you. Why would you be rude to someone who is driving your car around? That’s like telling a waiter that he’s stupid before your food comes out. You’ll end up with a giant pubic hair on your hamburger and spit in your lemonade.
That’s not to say I’ve ever done anything to someone’s car, but we CAN do things like “accidentally” lose your keys for a while and make you sweat, or leave your windows up while it’s raining outside… I’m just sayin’…