Goin’ to the Big D don’t mean Dallas August 27, 2008

I’ve had that song in my head for the past day. Yeah, I know, it’s a goofy country song, but it’s almost amusing to sing to myself. Lighthearted, if you will, in a time where my heart needs all the lightness it can get.

So I finally got my husband to admit that he doesn’t want to be married to me any more. I’m not sure why he couldn’t tell me in the first place…

As you can see from my past few posts, things have been strained, and getting worse by the day. I had been feeling trapped, smothered, and I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea what was going on in my house, what was going on with my husband, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

So we talked, and we talked some more, and we talked some more, and I tried to remind him of why he and I got married in the first place, tried to be gentle with him, and give him the space he needed to work out whatever it was that he needed to work out, but to no avail. He just distanced himself more and more from the relationship, and I just felt more and more abandoned and alone.

So yesterday (Tuesday) we were in the car on the way home from the grocery store, and he told me he was going somewhere that afternoon. I asked him what time, and he told me, then added, “Why, did you have something you wanted to do?”

I asked him why he would ask me something like that, if he didn’t really care, and he said he didn’t know. Out of habit maybe? We talked more at home, he starts saying stuff like “I don’t like being this way, but I don’t have any desire to change myself,” “I don’t like hurting you, but I want to be honest with you,” and the worst one: “I don’t think I can be faithful to you for the rest of my life.”

Who says that to their wife, really?

I mean, Jesus Christ!

At first I was really upset, but then I realized that I’d rather he told me now than find out in ten years that he’s been sleeping with some other woman…

People who actually care about their marriage say things like “Something is wrong. Let’s work on it together to make things better.”

My husband? He says stuff like “Something is wrong, but I don’t care enough to do anything about it.”

Sounds like a winner, huh.

He has his orders to deploy to Afghanistan in 2009, and I offered to stay here and take care of the house, and pay off our mutual debt while he is gone. I will also pack my stuff, and be out by the time he returns in 2010. By then I will be settled in a place of my own, and we can make a clean break. Right now there are too many shared obligations for us to just part ways.

You never plan for this sort of thing when you get married. Unless you’re Donald Trump. I always thought I would get married one time in my life–barring untimely death–and we would grow old together. You know, sit in rocking chairs on the front porch and all that…

But as it turns out, that is not to be.

I am almost relieved. It is like that great weight of uncertainty has been lifted from my shoulders, and I am free to go on with my life, knowing now what I must do. I have a teaching job to throw myself into, and I am taking Master’s level courses that require quite a bit of work and preparation. I no longer have to worry when or if my husband is going to leave me, or what is going to happen with my marriage.

And of course, I will restart my World of Warcraft subscription, since I’ll have a bit more free time…

Wish me luck.

Whoops! Almost Forgot! August 18, 2008

The DH and my Fourth wedding anniversary was Thursday, August 14th.

What did I do? Well nothing, obviously, because he doesn’t care about my feelings any more. What did he do? He worked. He didn’t even try to take the day off.

Later in the afternoon, a friend of mine called to see if she could borrow my carpet cleaner. So I volunteered to help her clean whatever carpet needed cleaning, since I had NOTHING ELSE TO DO, and I didn’t feel like sitting on the couch all evening, crying. I spent the evening helping her vacuum/clean carpets, and we went out for sundaes later.

Will there be a fifth wedding anniversary? Your guess is as good as mine.

Warning: Raunch August 15, 2008

Since blogs are essentially about your life, I will regale you with the travesty that has been my life for the past year. If you are prone to depression, you probably shouldn’t read the entire blog. Take it in bites, like a Snickers Bar. Mmm….Snickers…

I believe I already told you about how we just can’t catch a break…

Well…it’s really ME who can’t catch a break, when it all boils down.

My Grandparents passed away last year, amidst horrible financial problems partially caused by moronic government workers who apparently have no idea how to do paperwork, and my DH not getting his GI Bill benefits until about 10 months after he applied for them. DH’s grandfather passed away shortly after our girl Pearl died. Death surrounds us.

My mom recently told me that my 13-year old cat Spice had to be put down. In 1995, I found these two kittens underneath a barn and brought them home. I named them Sugar and Spice. They lived with me until I moved in with my DH, at which point they moved in with us. When we got Pearl, they were so scared of her (she tended to chase them) that they had to go back to my parents’ house. They were fine there.

But now there is only one of them, because the other one is dead. I was very sad when my mom told me this.

Still the financial woes ensue. I am not able to find a job after school, finally I get a teaching job but it doesn’t start until the end of August. MAJOR stress in my house. Not able to pay our bills. Fights, arguments, both of us are nasty most of the time.

About two months ago DH gets the news that he’s being deployed to Afghanistan in March 2009. Goodie.

Our water softener stopped working about six months ago. Well water is all “well and good” (haha me funny), but if you live where we do, occasionally you get some orangey water that turns all your white sheets orange-polka-dotted and smells funny. I can’t stand it. So my parents, in their beneficience, offered to pay for the repairs for us. It’s their water softner. We’re renting it from them…sortof…for free…

Our washer stopped going past the rinse cycle about two weeks ago. I had to improvise and use the regular wash cycle two times (once with soap, once without) and force it to go into the spin cycle to finish up the load. Fine. I can deal with that.

Five days ago I threw some laundry in the dryer and pushed the Start button. Nothing.

Shoot me. Someone shoot me now. Please.

Now my DH–and I use that term loosely, because in internet-speak it means “Dear Husband,” and he has not been endearing himself to me lately–says that he doesn’t feel the same way that he did when we were first married. He doesn’t care about my feelings, doesn’t care about making me happy, etc. Won’t touch me. Won’t even hug me when I cry.

Basically he isn’t interested in being a husband any more. Nice.

I convinced him to go to counseling (he wouldn’t go with me, so he went himself), so hopefully whoever he talks to will straighten him out. I have no idea what is going on. I mean, when you get married, you don’t really foresee these things. You think that if there are problems, you know, since that person LOVES YOU, they would want to work things out with you…

My DH has been married twice before me. He and I eloped in Las Vegas, then had a “real” wedding about a year and a half later so that my Grandfather could walk me down the aisle.

You’d think that someone who has said his vows FOUR TIMES would take some stock in what he’s saying. At least after the second or third time… An epiphany like the kind he keeps telling me he’s had is late.

So I sit at home and feel sorry for myself, most of the time I’m in a bad mood because of the stress of not knowing what the hell is going on. A friend of mine says to me that he’s probably depressed, and just needs to work things out. Another friend tells me that counseling will help. I wonder what things will be like when I start working. I wonder what things will be like when he goes to Afghanistan. Will he be faithful?

I really don’t know what to do. I am feeling starved for affection, and my psyche is delirious and thinks things like “Hugging a pillow is just as good, right? Right??? No.” or “Damn I miss sex. Hey, I understand now why women have affairs!” or “Boobs! You are awesome! You need to be squeezed!” or “It would be great to have a baby!”

Insanity! I’m going nuts, I tells ya!

Shoot me now!

Too Much Going On August 6, 2008

I got the teaching job at the private school, which is awesome.

They’ve asked me to teach Pre-Algebra, Algebra I, and Computers (I mentioned that I had taken several courses in Microsoft programs in college). They need a teacher for Algebra II and Pre-Calc, so I may end up teaching those classes as well if they can’t find someone.

Four/five classes is a daunting, but I think I can handle it. I love a challenge. I am nervous, though.

I have noticed that the small private schools tend to be kindof “fly by the seat of your pants” types. My mom also teaches at a smaller private school, and sometimes they seem very unorganized. This school I will be at is no different. Classes start on August 25th, and they still haven’t finalized their course schedule yet, which means that I don’t know what days I will be teaching, etc.

I went in yesterday to pick up some of the textbooks and they don’t have teacher’s editions for some of them. The only reason I went in yesterday was because I called them because I HADN’T HEARD FROM THEM YET. For crying out loud. School starts in like THREE WEEKS.

My first Transition to Teaching class is this Saturday. I am very excited about starting the program. The classes are master-level (graduate) courses, and they let me know that if I want to continue on to get my Master’s, I can keep up with the coursework and in theory, finish my Master’s over the next year. Awesome.

My DH got his orders to deploy to Afghanistan in March of 2009. He’ll probably be gone in January for schools, and then down to Atterbury for mobilization, organization, etc.

Our marriage has been shitty lately. He seems so distant and angry all the time. I wrote him a very honest letter a few weeks ago, about how bad I’ve been feeling lately, and he seemed so shell-shocked by it. He can’t have been oblivious to the fact that things were crumbling around him. I am not sure what is going on.

I have felt like leaving several times before this, but decided to stick it out even though I feel like an empty shadow of my normal self. Taking care of things around here has felt almost robotic, like I am doing them out of habit any more.

So my DH said he would go see a counselor. He is dragging his feet, which means that day after day I sit here and wonder what the hell is going on while I check off another day on the calendar and we march toward another 15 months apart.

The deployment really wasn’t an issue for me. I did it once before. I can handle it. But our marriage was new then. He still wrote me poems about how he would stand outside his room in Iraq, and look at the moon, and think of me. Now I’m lucky if I can get him to acknowledge my presence in the house.

Our fourth anniversary is a week from tomorrow. I can’t help but think that I’ll probably spend the whole night home alone because he has band practice or some shit like that. Not even important enough to plan something for our anniversary.

This is bullshit.